May 18th, 2005


Tenors, Baritones and Basses

Tenors are not gay. I know the stereotype, I know you think that Tenors are the gayest of all, but please, be reasonable. Tenors are no gayer than any other voice part; it’s just that gay Tenors are fucking flamers. Seriously. You could survive in the wilderness with their power to light up. They could barbeque food and destroy national forests.

Tenors are very pretty. Tenors also think they are hot shit, because in any musical or opera, they get to sing with, and usually smooch, the hottest Soprano in the room. It doesn’t really matter if they are gay here; it’s the status of the whole thing. Tenors are rare and because of this, they think they are better than you. They may actually be right about this one.

There are some women, genetic females, that are Tenors. These are the most dangerous people alive. They can kill you with their minds. Do not approach them. Don’t even think about them. They are brilliant and terrible and can live inside your dreams. Do not fuck with them.

While the Tenor might be the most attractive of the voice parts, the Bass is the sexiest. The Bass could seduce anything, from a young woman to a rhino. Women may put pictures of Tenors on their wall, but it is a Bass that will bed them, right under the giant poster of the Tenor, while the glossy eyes watch sadly. Basses will steal your girlfriend and they’ll feel bad about it, to be sure, but they’ll just keep on fucking her.

It’s the way of things.

A Bass could bring a human to tears by asking for a price check. A Bass can make the floor shake. A Bass can make all conversation stop. A Bass can boil a song with rage. A Bass is a man of the people. A Bass is a revolution. A Bass can sing the song that beats the waters into being. God is a Bass.

Usually thought of as more muscular than the lithe Tenor, there are exceptions to this rule. There are these odd, skinny Basses wandering around. They are Freaks. Don’t touch them; they’ve got this oil on their skin that’s acidic - just don’t touch them, okay?

Most men are Baritones; that middle tone that neither has the loftiness of the Tenor nor the deep rumble of the Bass. In many choirs there are no actual Tenors or Bases, and just a bunch of randomly divided Baritones pretending to swing both ways. Baritones can be vile assholes or sweethearts, sometimes both. Baritones are sneaky fucking bastards. It’s impossible to tell if a Baritone is lying, and by the time you figure it out, you’re in a love hotel in Japan with nothing but a few Rubles and a warrant for your arrest in Bolivia.

I hate you Michael, I really do.
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