May 4th, 2005


Altos and Sopranos

Sopranos are stuck up bitches, liars and preppy sluts with a princess complex. A Sopranos smile never quite reaches her eyes. Sopranos have perfected the method of the subtle insult, the message of your inherent inferiority delivered only in the subtle tone of their high voices. Sopranos feel bad for you, after all, next to them, you will always be a loser.

Sopranos are well behaved; they are the kind of prim and proper that leads to clean bookshelves, good hygiene, and the loss of soul. Sopranos care a lot about the length of their nails, the style of their hair and the color and expense of their makeup. They wear mainstream fashions and listen to soft rock. They love heels. They tend to be skinny. They have asshole boyfriends that are financially successful, a fact they will remind you of constantly. They see a lot of specialists, have spotless cars, drink lots of water and read labels. In bed, they are passive; they’ll let you do all the work while silently laughing at your efforts. Sopranos fake orgasms.

Of course, I’m an Alto, so there is some bias here. Sopranos have ideas about Altos too. A Soprano will tell you that Altos are loud, slovenly, disruptive and fat. They would tell you that Altos are undisciplined and that they dress like whores 12 years out of fashion. They would tell you that Altos eat cunt and like it.

All of this is true.

Altos tend to cause trouble, to incite revolutions. While Sopranos are singing arias before the audience of the bourgeoisie, Altos are writing the songs of the proletariat revolution. Altos are active, messy, loud lovers. Altos like to get on top and scream the seven true names of G-d while you cling to the leather straps and cry in joyful passion. Altos are more likely to have sexual relations with other women than Sopranos. Altos like the hedonistic pleasure of life. Altos wear black ironically. Altos have wild hair. Altos will get tattoos where you can see them. Altos are not afraid of mice, spiders or roaches.

An Alto is ten times more likely to get arrested than a Soprano.

An Alto is more likely to kill a man where a Soprano will simply drive a man to suicide.

A Soprano will die with perfect hair in a hospital bed, her jewel encrusted fingers clinging tightly to ineffective herbal remedies. She will be surrounded by children who resent her but need the inheritance and are watching each other like spiteful lizards to makes sure that none of them have mom change the much fought over will.

An Alto will die face first in a ditch at midnight. Her girlfriend and husband will search the roads at 4AM till they see her crumpled motorcycle, tires still burning, spinning slowly. They will pull her tattooed ass from the muck and lay her broken body on the asphalt as it begins to rain. They will cry so loudly that they will lose their voices.

All of this I know from experience.
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