May 6th, 2004


The Man They Chose

“Dude, dude! I’m not going to rape your girlfriend.” She whirled, holding her pointed finger out like a weapon.

“You think I want this? You think I want you touching her, on top of her-” she choked and balled her hands. I shook my head.

“I just can’t do it, not while she’s crying and curling up and – all I did was take off my shirt and it’s like a waterpark in there!”

“You do what you have to, we all do.” She said.

It had sounded like a great deal, make love to a young woman, and leave her and her family to have the duty and privilege of the child. Sex approved by my spiritual totem; I should have known it was too good to be true. Oh, and the smell of this woman! Incredible!

I was dizzy with her smell, just the smell, longing and lusty like salt and fire. It made me wild, locked out the world. I was so pleased with myself that I could barely see past the woman to her fuming lover. Later, when we went to bed, I took off my shirt, excited and ready she sort of crumpled, tears rolling down her cheeks and around her chin, her hands clutching a pillow. I touched her shoulder, just for comfort and she shook like I had struck her. I don’t know about other men, but that’s just not a turn on. Looking at her miserable face, it suddenly felt to tight in the room, and I had to get out, breathe cooler air. Leaving the room I nearly tripped over her lover who was sitting by the doorway on the floor, head on the wall, blood on her palms where her fingernails had dug into her skin. She confronted me, asked me where I thought I was going.

“I can’t! I just can’t!” I realized my voice was rising. “I want to do my duty, but this- I -you want me to fight a horde of the undead? I’ll do it, I’m your man, just don’t ask me to force myself on someone, because I can’t.”

“I’m not asking you to, it’s not my will that wants this. She – she’s willing, she just doesn’t like it. She’s an emotional person, she can’t hold it all in, or put it behind her, like we can, she, you don’t’ understand her, you just have to be gentle and let her come around to you.”

“I don’t care if God orders me to-”

“God IS ordering you to!” I stretched my T-Shirt over my head.

“No. Not even for God.” Her eyes were shining wet. “I will do it for you though. You and her, if you want it.” I ducked out to let the breeze cool my temper, leaving the lovers alone behind me.

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