When I go out to take photos, I can be something of a coward.
I'm involved in that struggle not to care what other people think or do, but sometimes I do care. The feeling sneaks up on me, I find I'm avoiding going out because of what I think other people will think when they look at me. Freak. Loser.
I wanted to take pictures of Jared, but my camer is getting too fucked up to take a good picture inside, in any kind of dark anymore. It will not take the pictures I see except in daylight. So we went out. I took him to the trestle near the house, and there were people out, and I was worried what they would say about the costume. Like I'm in middle school or something, worried about what people will think of clothes. Clothes for godsakes.
So we take some pictures, and all we get are smiles and one guy saying "Wolverine! Hell Yeah!"
No more of this fearful stuff. Any time I've let fear rule me, it's always ended in a feeling of loss, of having missed something. One would think, having swallowed fire, I would have gotten over this, but it seems to be like anything else, a continual struggle.
And I am a freak. I wouldn't change that for anything. Thank God. Thank God.